You Know Them Ones…


I was just sitting here in my room, enjoying a cup of Oolong and reflecting on something I thought I’d share.

I recently celebrated a friend’s birthday. It was a lovely occassion with friends, family, food, drinks, music and laughter. Who doesn’t like a good party? Nearing midnight, a few others suggested we continue on to a club in the city. Against the advisement of the older folks, I complied and went with the others (my disobedience is a story for another day).

Anyway, cutting to the chase… I noticed that (although it can be very subtle to the naked eye), there are a number of different groups that, beyond one’s control, everyone is self assigned to, whilst partying in a club.

Don’t know what I’m talking about? Let me help you out… You walk into the club, and there is literally every type of club-goer in the building. These range from the obvious to the sly pretenders (disclaimer: results may vary):

  • “The Walk-in’s” – These females tend to have gained free entry to the club by sleeping with the manager, bouncer or promoter. Sadly enough her privileges earned via extra curricular activity do not, by extension, allow for her friends to enter without pay.walk in
  • “The Cut Offs” – Broke people who cannot afford the club’s late entry free, and so enter at it’s cheapest usually before the 11pm cut off. At this point in the night, the club is most likely empty or has a few stalkers and pervs trolling the floor, asking if they can buy you a beverage. Their rent is due and probably can’t afford a taxi back alone… but *sips tea*


  • “The Schemers” – 

strategy [noun]

1. a plan of action designed to achieve a long-term or overall aim.

This type of female is weighing up her options for the night, aiming to find herself a financially beneficial counterpart whom the open tab will fall on by the end of the night… This is usually accompanied by hours of fliberation before quickly leaving with her friends at the end of the night without so much as a goodbye.

  • “Largely Grouped Knobheads” – These people are usually apart of a large group of friends on a night out, dancing in the middle of the club, try to gain everyone’s attention and cutting the most inconvenient shapes. Granted, they’re having a great time, but others are here to enjoy themselves too… maybe try accommodating them also, rather than clearing the floor, creating a You Got Served circle, so you can demonstrate your signature move… Thanks.dancefloor
  • “The Thirsty Toddlers” – These interesting creatures are teenagers desperate for older male attention, usually aged between 14-16, who borrowed their sister’s ID, sharing a bottle of Malibu and taking selfies in their leopard print crop top’s in the restroom mirrors.
  • “The Sinking Ships” – These are couples who feel it is appropriate to go clubbing while already on the verge of breaking up.couple

“Who’s that slag you were talking to?” “That’s my mate Becky from High School, not a slag, Lauren.”

Oh Lauren.

This discussion usually takes place in the designated smoking shelter at a disturbingly loud volume.

  • “Ciroc Boys” – These are the guys who sit flaunting their supposed wealth by surrounding themselves with likeminded friends wearing LV belts,  Balenciaga’s and gold rolley’s borrowed from their mate Deon who sells drugs for a living. You may find them taking turns posing with overpriced bottles of champagne, Ciroc and Courvoisier whilst another friend takes their picture for Instagram.ciroc better
  • “The Ones Who Really Need To Book A Room At The Travelodge Down The Road” – You know exactly who I’m referring to… *sips tea*
  • “The Uncle” – The old man stood observing the females in a lowely lit corner of the club, trying (and failing) to ‘woothem over with their uncomfortable to witness eyebrow raises… They sort of resemble ambush predators, waiting to attack their prey by ‘element of surprise’.pred
  • “The Unconcious” – The friend who really doesn’t know their limit, throwing up their pre-drinks, donner kebab and common sense on the floor of the toilets, while their friend snapchat’s the horror.drunk

And that’s just to name a few.

In all honesty, the majority of people in the club are most probably living above their means – buying things they can’t afford to impress people the don’t know or like, only to pull a triple shift over the next couple of weeks in order to cover the cost of that same night out they knew they could not afford in the first place. These very people demonstrate zero self-restraint… they could be in thousands of pounds worth of debt but if Daniel says “oh come on, it’ll be good”, none of that seems to matter anymore…

But this wasn’t written to put anyone off going out and having fun on the weekend (I suppose), however, whilst you’re begging your manager for extra shifts to repair the damage done to your Natwest account, I’ll just continue to sit here and sip my tea.

You really should try Oolong.


Makhala Kirwan


Author: pardonmyblogs

Hi, I'm Kala. Most days, I lead a very boring life. On rare occasions, I do stuff. Sometimes I write about that. Comment, like, share and all that jazz. Ask me a question and I'll be sure to reply. Any further enquiries? You can contact me via Twitter:

2 thoughts on “You Know Them Ones…”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s